Today, Thanksgiving Day, would have been my mom's birthday, her 65th!!...I always think of her as young, 39, as she was the day she died. But really, it's hard to imagine, but today, if she would still be living, she would probably be gray-haired, looking older, and perhaps a bit wrinkled like my dad is becoming. This week I've been thinking and pondering and remembering.
This summer I visited my grandma, my mom's mom. Somehow, she makes me feel special. I have always felt a special connection to her...maybe of the experiences we've shared, or maybe because she reminds me of my mom. We had such a nice time reminiscing and sharing memories and crying. At least, I cried. Grandma apologized profusely for bringing tears to my eyes, but to me they were healing. She told me again how difficult mom's death was for her personally, as a mother. She told me how difficult it was to lose Grandpa only a few short years later. And she told me something I won't forget. "Laura," she said, "I never was able to accept your mother's death until I thanked God for taking her." Thanked God! I can't say I've ever thanked God for whisking away a needed mother, wife, and friend from us. But I think I'm beginning to see what Grandma means.
I will never understand why God took my mother at such a crucial time in my life...I will never forget the empty feelings I had as a child...I will never forget how many times I've missed her through the years...I will never forget the sadness that I still feel today when I think about it...but I do know that I'm living in the life God has chosen for me...I don't have to run away...I don't have to "get over it"...
I've found so much joy in the midst of all the acute pain...I have learned to find happiness as I live in this dark valley...God has brought abundant blessings that show me His love...and my life is full...this experience has really become a part of who I am, part of my story, my life.
And so, yes, in a way, like Grandma, I have thanked God...not for the pain I have felt, not for the life-long suffering, but for the joy I've experienced, for the peace God puts in my heart, and for the abundant blessings I'm experiencing in my journey through pain.
Thank-you, Father, for your everlasting care!
Comments (4)
Interesting post. I also know what your grandma is talking about, and I am convinced that thankfulness is an important part of healing. We may not be thankful for the experience itself, but there are always at least parts of the experience that we can thank the Lord for, memories etc.
oh laura...this brought tears to my eyes. wow... but i just thought about this, i wouldn't be your sister if your mom hadn't died. i'm not happy she's gone...but i'm so so happy that you're my sister!! love you guys...
Laura dear, you were in my prayers yesterday! I love you. I hurt for you. I praise God for the grace that is obvious in your life. I want to somehow do better at walking through this with you.
Laura, Thank you for writing this. It was good to read it on this first Thanksgiving after the death of my little nephew two months ago. But good to read that somehow in the thanking God for the loss or perhaps the lessons that He is teaching allows healing to begin.
Blessings,Debra