Tuesday, 08 February 2011
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Forty Turns Reflective
My SIL just informed me that turning forty gives a person many excuses for many things--forgetfulness, clumsiness, attitudes--you name it. Sometimes I hope my mind returns some days when I'm trying my best to remember something or recall an incident and suddenly I remember--oh, that's right, I'm forty now, so I have a reason for this Alzheimer's feeling. :)
Turning 40 this year for me was such a combination of feelings and reflections--my mom didn't live to see her 40th birthday. She was too young to die--my age almost exactly. As my birthday was approaching this year, I felt myself growing reflective. What thoughts were in her mind when she thought about leaving behind all her children at such tender young ages? Did she think about the fact that she probably wouldn't live life after 40? How would it be to be so sick and helpless and watching your children grieve your dying and not be able to do anything about it? Many thoughts about her life have been on my mind this year.Sometimes I close my eyes and try to remember what she looked like and how her voice sounded. Her image has become so fuzzy in my mind after these 25+ years. It seems so long ago that I saw her and touched her and heard her voice. How I long for that again! One wonderful night, I dreamed about my mom and in my dream, she was just as I remembered her--her blue eyes, her nicely-shaped nose, her smile, her voice--her whole self in great detail, every part was chiseled again in my mind. She looked so happy and she spoke to me so gently that I remember waking up wishing and wishing even hoping that it had been true.But it wasn't. Even so, I want to focus this year on my blessings. I feel blessed to be healthy, to be looking forward to life after forty, and to dream about the futures of myself, my husband, and my children. This was something my mom never could realize in her lifetime. My dad told me some time ago, that when Mom discovered that she had cancer, she told my dad, "I want to live to see my grandchildren." That was her dream, cut short when she passed away when her oldest was only 16 years old and I was 13.So, now, I'm embarking on an unknown territory. I've actually outlived my mother. Such a strange thought! How I wish many times I was more like her as I remember her personality, her patience, her wisdom, her unfailing love for her LORD. She is my hero! What would it be like to relate to her as an adult? How would have her life influenced me if she had lived? Would have her living changed who I am in any way today? So many questions that in my lifetime will never have answers. Questions I continually have to commit to the LORD and find peace in letting them there.My prayer today: Lord, mold me more into the godly woman you want me to be! How I long to be more humble, more patient in suffering, more like YOU! I fail so many times from being what I wish I was! I feel my human weaknesses. Make me more in your image every day, Father!
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Comments (8)
Laura... interestingly enough she was my hero as a little girl too. I remember being in such awe of her with her gracious, sweet spirit and flashes of spunk and fun. I remember walking in to Tangent in my young teens after just receiving a sermon from my Mom all the way down that long sidewalk about how bad the lipgloss was that i was wearing and then just inside the door was your mom... My mom watched in horror I suppose as your mom greeted me and then kissed me again and said "I just love that lip gloss"! :) It is a precious memory I have. I remember praying as a young girl to be just like her and then feeling confused and wondering for years if that meant I would die young too... I loved your mom and when I look at you and am around you (not NEARLY often enough!) I see her. Laura, you are sooo much like I remember her!! Here are some hugz from across the ocean for you today! She would be so proud of you and your family! Luv u dear!
Mom is my hero too, but at least you are more like her than I am.
Sometimes I wonder if I remember the way she looks or if it is only pictures. Her voice? So, so fuzzy in my brain. Maybe. I know I have been thinking now that I am in my upper 30's (i guess that is what you call after 35, before you turn 40) that I am getting so close to the age mom was when she found out she had cancer and died. When I came to your house in December, I tried to fathom in my mind, how it would be to know you are leaving your family, not just for a 12 day trip to Poland, but forever. It makes me so sad. Did she reflect over her life wondering if she taught us what we needed to know or did she just pray that what she did teach us would take root and grow? I just wonder how she felt thinking of Sara. Sara was little more than a baby. She probably knew Sara would never remember her. She never had the chance to teach Sara. And Marcus, it had to tear at her heart that he would be motherless for the second time in his short life. A boy she took into her heart and truly loved as one of her own. And when she thought of me, I am sure she wondered who else could love this 10 yr old the way she did. I was full of fears, fears of being left behind, which she had to do to me. And you, Laura, she knew that you were in such a crucial age, a girl teetering on the brink of womanhood. Who would teach you about being a lady, a wife and a mother? And by the way, Jeff was 17 and at the beginning of adulthood. I am sure she was hoping marriage and children was in his future. I wonder if she prayed for his future wife. I know what you mean, being at this age causes so many things to go through a person's mind. Today I am missing her!
@inluvwithHIM4ever - Dorcas, LOL! about the lip gloss. I love to hear other peoples memories of her. Makes her feel a little closer!
i wish i could have known your mom. i know she must have been a truly remarkable lady...because her daughters are!
This post and Esther Lynn's response brought tears to my eyes. What precious memories you have, but how sad to have to say goodbye to such a sweet mother.
Beautiful and touching post. How wonderful it would have been for you girls to relate to your mom as adults. She always seemed to find this deep joy in her children and how much more she would have enjoyed you as adults.
Dorcas, I loved your lip gloss memory. That is precious.
Bittersweet memories. A friend who also lost her mom young said the Lord showed she wouldn't have grown as close to Him is her mom had been there. She had to depend on the Lord! Ted's dad died young too--I think at 41. I didn't know him. Ted was only 19. But he went rather quickly, with a blood clot so not time for much reflection as the end neared. I wish he'd lived since most of his family doesn't follow the Lord now. He'd been a pastor and would have had a godly influence, I think.
MaryH
She sounds truly awes inspiring. Thanks for sharing the memories
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